The Bachelor Coming In Hot With The Weirdest Wedding Kiss In The West

The Bachelor is on in my apartment. If you’re the guy reading this thinking that I’m a pussy then fine, yes, technically you are correct but not because of what’s on my television. The Bachelor is primetime trash TV.  It’s gold.  A perfect look inside a fish bowl full of paranoid, horny Siamese fighting thots. The chicks on this show are out for blood. Plus, two hours on a Monday with no football gets you huge bonus points with any lady in your life.

Anyway, in this episode the clan is in Vegas because of course that’s where you go when you want to find your soulmate.  Somehow the scene when Ben meets a stripper and tries to call the whole thing off didn’t make it passed editing.  Instead, we were blessed with the weirdest kiss to ever hit American airwaves.  By a pair of Asians no less! Ben was wooing one lucky lady, officiating the weddings of a bunch of tattooed sickos as one does when in Vegas, when ABC dropped this hydrogen bomb all up in our grillpiece

Hey lady, you just got married, give your husband some fucking lip service!  Seriously, I need a behind the scenes episode on these maniacs. What’s their deal?  100% immigrants but was this the first time they’ve ever kissed? First time they’ve ever met? Maybe homegirl is just afraid of the cameras, but I’m going to choose to believe that she got flown in to Vegas 3 hours prior to hitch this son of a Chinese real estate mogul.

Lastly, just pathetic all-around execution by our man Shades.  What the hell is that two-hand shoulder grab all about? This isn’t kindergarten you fucking buffoon.  You’re not trying to cop a little smooch on the playground.  Cup her face with one hand and give that Asian flower some guidance.  Be an adult.  For Harrison’s sake, act like you’ve been there before.

Is This The Perfect Making A Murderer Joke?

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Yes, yes it is.

As incredible as the series was, Making A Murderer was really just disheartening and sad. The comprehensive lesson is basically don’t talk to police. Straight up. The only words anyone should speak when alone with police is “I need my lawyer.”  Too many things can go wrong. Too many cops are average dummies like you and me. They’re trained to uncover a confession rather than the truth.  No matter how innocent you know yourself to be, talking to the police ain’t worth the risk. Granted, most of us aren’t inbred hillbillies from Oshkoshbagosh, Wisconsin, but even a bogus arrest can be incredibly damning. Not to mention time consuming.

At least now us Netflix-binging honkies know what our shadowy pigmented pals figured out many moons ago. Cooperate fully once your fat Italian college buddy (read: attorney) is present.

#FreeBrendan

PS – The season dragged about two episodes too long, but I guess if I spent a decade documenting anything in the world – especially a case as insane as the Avery case – I’d want at least ten episodes, too.

h/t B-Hooks

 

 

 

Terrell Owens and Vince Young Are Back! (In a Wendy’s Commercial)

Can a 90 second Wendy’s spot win an Oscar?  Hope so, because I just watched a perfect piece of cinema. That was Friday Night Lights, Remember The Titans, and She’s All That rolled into one obstacle-conquering screenplay.

Not sure I’ll go out of my way to try Wendy’s Gruyere – more likely a product of Octomom’s utters than that of any Swiss cow – but I’ll sure as hell buy some TO and VY penny stocks.  Those guys look great.  As expected, Owens hasn’t lost a step. Dude is an absolute machine. Some NFL squad needs to give my man another shot; he’s basically football’s Sly Stallone.

And then we’ve got Ben Roethlisberger in blackface Vince Young looking dapper as ever.  Hefty, sure, but dapper nonetheless.  Last we saw VY he was busy getting cut by Green Bay in 2014, but toss a helmet on him and tell me buddy’s not a Jameis Winston body double. You can’t. Vince couldn’t shut his mouth in Tennessee, but he could damn sure sling it. Such a fun player to watch when the gears were oiled.

If you don’t want to see Young and Owens in a sanctioned football game – somewhere, anywhere – then we weren’t meant to be pals. Simple as that.

PS – Tell me you’ve never wanted to punch Jeff Fisher.

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Tough to totally blame Vince for hating Fish’s guts.

Bill Burr Set To Star In FX Comedy From The ‘Always Sunny’ Team, Continues His Ascent To Dominance

At 46 years of age, comedy vet Bill Burr is hitting his stride. If, somehow, you’re unfamiliar with Burr, you should change that right now.  His latest comedy special, I’m Sorry You Feel That Way, just released on Netflix and it’s his best work yet. The unapologetic, aggressive comedian holds nothing back in his brilliant, hilarious, spastic ramblings about racial tensions, political correctness, overpopulation, and religion. Burr explains his reasoning for abandoning religion and discusses why Donald Sterling is no different that your average Jewish grandfather. I watched I’m Sorry the night of its’ release and was in literal tears for almost the entire eighty minutes. I really won’t be surprised if it breaks Netflix ratings records for an original comedy special.

I’m Sorry You Feel That Way comes on the heels of Burr’s limited vinyl release, Live at Andrew’s House, from Jack White’s Third Man Records and a host of recent television gigs.  Since landing a recurring role on AMC’s Breaking Bad in 2013Burr has added eight more TV or film appearances to his resume, including a stops on New Girl, The Heat, Walk of Shame, and Kroll Show, and a stint of Jerry Seinfeld’s Comedian’s in Cars Getting Coffee.

Well, now it seems like ol’ Billy Red Tits is going all in. If you listen to his “Monday Morning Podcast” (appointment listening for any podcast fan) you know that Burr has been honing his craft and expanding his comedic skill set. In addition to just wrapping up writing and voice work on the upcoming Netflix animated series F is For Family (based on Burr’s comedy), Bill will now be starring in the upcoming FXX original series Pariah. What’s most exciting about this news is the Pariah is the brainchild of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia writer-producers John and Dave Chernin. The series will be directed by Sunny‘s Rob McElhenney aka Mac, and will be executive produced by Burr, McElhenney, Charlie Day, and Glenn Howerton (aka Charlie and Dennis, also of Sunny). Not many casting details have been leaked, but one would have to imagine the boys from Sunny will be making some cameos, at the very least.

Pariah seems like the next can’t miss comedy project for FX, and should and should slide in nicely on FXX as Sunny comes to an end. The show centers around Burr as a television personality who, after an on-air meltdown, gets black-balled from the industry and is forced to navigate life with no discernible skills outside of show business. This is incredible for Bill Burr fans because it sounds like he’ll be playing an exaggerated version of himself, dealing with issues and fears that he often discusses on The Monday Morning Podcast.  We could witness some serious genius from this project. There’s been no word yet on a date of premiere, but I, for one, will be tuning in whenever it sees the light.  Here’s hoping Mr. Burr takes the comedy mainstream by storm.

As I said before, if you are somehow unfamiliar with Bill you need to get that straightened out.  Start here, then head to Netflix, or to the MMP, and give that man some clicks.