Manchester United Manager Louis Van Gaal Wants Nothing But Horny Men On The Pitch

There shall¬†be no wanking in Van Gaal’s locker room until after the match, men!

In all honesty, a coach wanting a horned up roster makes total sense. Anyone who has ever played sports post-puberty knows that the meanest competitor shows up on a loaded gun. Sex and aggression go hand in hand. Afterall, a¬†man’s gotta have legs.

Van Gaal can play this off as a joke or claim that “horny” is simply a Dutch synonym for “desire” – technically, he’s not wrong – but, there’s a reason every man ever has¬†fallen¬†asleep bare-theighed¬†after an embarrassingly short trip to the Dark Web. Would you rather have a pack of bucking broncos or eleven lazy, self-loathing blokes draped in crusty underwear? Van Gaal knows the correct answer to that question.

Actors Dramatically Reading Justin Beiber’s “Sorry” Is Internet Gold

These dramatic reading vids parallel the lip reading videos and “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” in that they¬†are all¬†either great or fall totally flat. ¬†This one does it for me. ¬†Maybe it’s my affinity for a¬†lineup featuring¬†Landry/Todd, Jon¬†Hamm, that predatorial lesbian from American Pie,¬†and¬†the most perfect woman in the world.¬† Maybe it’s the fact that¬†any current project with¬†the¬†King Beibs cosign is a guaranteed heater. ¬†Whatever the reason, I thought this video¬†was pretty strong.

A few more thoughts:

  • Anyone else wish that Krasinski’s real personality wasn’t exactly¬†Office Jim? It’s endearing but something about this¬†let’s a little air out of my balloon.
  • Jon Hamm has really embraced¬†that West Village jazz¬†bar dwelling¬†author vibe since leaving Madison Ave, huh?
  • Ditto for Landry. ¬†Jesse¬†Plemmons is aware¬†that¬†it’s¬†too soon for¬†a Philip Seymour Hoffman biopic, right?¬†
  • Fairly mediocre British impression by my man Thomas Middleditch. Still, who’s ready¬†for Silicon Valley Season 3?????
  • ¬†beckinsale kate
  • Nick Jonas might as well just go full hollywood actor at this point. I know, I know, he’s Pop’s new King of the Twinks, but my man¬†is smoking hot¬†and his MMA show,¬†Kindom, is quality, too. Nick’s on a little thing called a hot streak and he owes it all to whoever convinced him to ditch his born-again virg brothers.
  • How bad was¬†John Legend that he can’t even sneak one line into the final cut?

 

h/t Vanity Fair

 

 

 

I Refuse To Let #SkinnyFat Defeat Me

Screenshot_2016-01-06-23-51-52 (1)

Been a rough winter, ya’ll. ¬†Feels like just yesterday it was mid-May and I was looking like a goddamn washboard laying in the shade on a beach in Playa del Carmen. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I’ll always be a Casper the Ghost looking motherfucker but at the very least I can keep the pathetic skinny fat look in check. Getting “jacked” is out of the question. Such a waste of time. Tall, lean, sex machine is my¬†move. Unfortunately,¬†right now I look like a¬†pregnant¬†housewife who still goes to Pure Barre. ¬†I’m basically a hideous, hairy Kristin Cavillari.

Sup, Cutty.

Is This The Perfect Making A Murderer Joke?

Screenshot_2016-01-12-21-17-23

Yes, yes it is.

As incredible¬†as the series was, Making A Murderer was really just disheartening and sad. The¬†comprehensive lesson is basically¬†don’t talk to police. Straight up. The only words anyone should speak when alone with police is “I need my lawyer.” ¬†Too many things can go wrong. Too many cops are average dummies like you and me. They’re¬†trained to uncover a confession rather than the truth. ¬†No matter how innocent you know yourself to be, talking to the police ain’t worth the risk. Granted, most of us aren’t inbred hillbillies from Oshkoshbagosh, Wisconsin, but even a bogus arrest¬†can be incredibly damning. Not to mention time consuming.

At least now us Netflix-binging honkies know what our shadowy pigmented pals figured out many moons ago. Cooperate fully once your fat Italian college buddy (read: attorney) is present.

#FreeBrendan

PS – The season¬†dragged about two episodes too long, but I guess if I spent a decade documenting anything in the world – especially a case as insane as the Avery case – I’d want at least ten episodes, too.

h/t B-Hooks

 

 

 

Introducing The First Annual Heisman Trophy Candidate Deathmatch

Determining champions in college football has long been an inexact science. We’ve ridded ourselves of the evil BCS supercomputers, now let’s let the ballers decide the Heisman Trophy themselves. To help do this, Elbow Deep presents the First Annual Heisman Candidate Deathmatch, an unarmed combat tournament to determine the most worthy football warrior in college football.

deathmatch

After watching Tyson Fury’s win¬†over now-former heavyweight boxing champion Wladimir Klitschko on November 28th – a boring, messy¬†bout featuring flailing¬†haymakers and excessive wind sucking – I couldn’t help but feel that¬†something was missing. This sentiment was not unique. Fury’s post-match Aerosmith cover¬†and mocking of the Klitschko camp was good promo for¬†a rematch, but the fight itself was a snoozer.

That same night¬†featured¬†some incredible Week 13 college football. One week later, college football’s¬†conference championship showcase was equally impressive. As an¬†impartial viewer¬†at Blondies – the Upper West Side basecamp for Sparty¬†fans in NYC – I can safely say that no¬†virgin eardrums were left un-fucked following Michigan State’s go-ahead touchdown in Indianapolis.

NCAA¬†football this year has shat all over the underwhelming¬†NFL product¬†while introducing fans to several superstars. Last week, Christian McCaffrey ran rampant¬†on¬†USC, winning the Pac-12 championship and breaking Barry Sanders’ 26-year old NCAA record for all purpose yardage in the process. Two other backs – Zeke Elliot and Dalvin Cook – had the week off, but spent the week prior two-stepping all over¬†the Fighting Harbaughs and Florida Gators, respectively. Derrick Henry furthered his claim¬†as the baddest man in football. Henry, the¬†leading Heisman candidate, displays a mesmerizing combination of physicality and elusiveness has been¬†impossible to stop for a full 48 minutes.

As for quarterbacks, Deshaun Watson just led Clemson to its first undefeated season since 1981.¬†Navy’s Keenan Reynolds has dominated both the air and ground attack¬†for the 9-2 Midshipmen. ¬†Oklahoma’s Baker Mayfield¬†–¬†the rare white boy so smooth that he managed to whip¬†and nae nae¬†all over¬†the Internet without simultaneously¬†killing the trend¬†– ¬†clinched a spot in the College Football Playoff.

Oh, and don’t forget about everyone’s Heisman favorite for two-thirds of¬†the season, Leonard Fournette. LSU struggled in Novemeber, but Fournette went off again¬†in Week 13, rushing for 160 yards and¬†a score. He also sports¬†the most aggressive adult braces/bald head/beard look¬†of all time.

Point is, these dudes are insane athletes.¬†They’re physical specimens (Reynolds is the smallest of the bunch at 5’11/205) who¬†dominate¬†their sport. But if put to the ultimate test, who¬†would persevere? ¬†Sure, since the beginning of time, coaches have preached “winning¬†with class” and told¬†players to “leave it on the field,” but sometimes you just gotta¬†drop the Nike Vapor Knits.

I propose that the Heisman Trophy be¬†(hypothetically) awarded to the candidate¬†that truly earns it.¬†I demand bloodshed. ¬†A Heisman Trophy Deathmatch, of sorts. Something tells me that placing a¬†pair¬†of college football’s finest in the ring would make for a much better spectacle¬†than UFC 526¬†or a title defense by boxing’s¬†biggest blowhard.

To emphasize¬†on-field play, the tournament will be seeded based on each candidates odds to win the award. ¬†For functionality sake, we’ll borrow Bellator’s 8-man tournament model.

#1 Derrick Henry (RB Alabama)*** –¬†2/7

#2 Christian McCaffrey (RB Stanford)*** –¬†2/1

#3 Deshaun Watson (QB Clemson)*** –¬†10/1

#4 Leonard Fournette (RB LSU) – 20/1

#5 Keenan Reynolds (QB NAVY) – 22/1

#6 Baker Mayfield (QB Oklahoma) – 25/1

#7 Dalvin Cook (RB Florida State) – 25/1

#8 Ezekiel Elliot (RB Ohio State) – 40/1

*** Henry, McCaffrey, and Watson were named the three Heisman finalists invited to New York City.

So, who ya got? ¬†Will it be runaway manslaughter by Henry or Fournette, or will Mayfield¬†prove that those countless¬†Point Break¬†viewings in¬†the Delta Epsilon chapter room actually had tangible value?¬†Don’t sleep on the serviceman either, folks. Keenan Reynolds is liable to¬†submit the field.

In the end, the question is simple:¬†Which of college football’s brightest stars would make the best brawler? ¬†Let’s discuss.

 mankind cage match

 РRound 1, Quarterfinals

  • #1 Henry over¬†#8 Elliot

Huge start to our Heisman Deathmatch. This is like one of those classic 1 vs 8 March Madness matchups where the lower seed is a powerhouse program that just happened to get bounced from its conference tourney early.  Think UNC or UCLA hoops every other season.

At 40/1, Elliot is the longest shot to win the trophy, but he’s still a monster. Zeke¬†was last season’s playoff MVP and followed up with one of the best rushing seasons in Buckeye history this year.

But this is about¬†bloodsport. ¬†At 6’/225, Elliot’s sturdy base, speed, and agility are his strengths, but they’re offset by Henry. The fight game is all about matchups, and Derrick Henry is basically a bigger, stronger version of Elliot.

At¬†6’3/240, Henry is the Megladon¬†of the field. ¬†More than the advantage in size, Henry has the upper hand in mentality, too. Elliot’s¬†Buckeyes looked sluggish all season and¬†he did some whining after OSU’s first loss of the¬†year. Bama, on the other hand,¬†fell¬†to Ole Miss early¬†and has been a wrecking ball ever since. Henry gets better every weekend while carrying a massive workload. The man can’t be stopped for more than a quarter of football; no chance he’s losing in the first round of the Heisman Candidate Deathmatch. ¬†Put these two in the ring and it’s only a matter of time until Henry turns it into a ground-and-pound bloodbath.

I mean, come on.

Sorry, Elliot. You’re dead.

  • #5 Reynolds¬†over #4 Fournette

keenan reynolds               fournette

Another big-time match in the first round. Unlike the 1 vs 8, Reynolds/Fournette pits two players fighters of different style against each other. I’d look for Fournette to charge Reynolds like a bull in a china shop. He’ll want to get the little man on the floor and use those elbows. Fournette is a beast but he’s taken a pounding this season and can be stopped by a tough, agile defense (e.g.¬†Bama). Plus, beneath that Maybach Music exterior is just a polite kid¬†from Nawlins. Leo is¬†no¬†Jeremy Hill.

fournette gif

PREDICTION: Something tells me that Reynolds has done some sparring in Annapolis. ¬†I like Reynolds to dodge Fournette’s charges,¬†pepper the big man with jabs until he wears down, then catch him with some lighting¬†to the chin. Big tree fall hard. It’s lights out for the Bayou Bengal.

ARUGAHHHH!!

  • #6 Mayfield over #3 Watson

Ahhh, a good old fashioned quarterback fight. Two high-character cats with great work ethic and unique paths to success. ¬†I’d be willing to bet, though, that neither of these bros have scrapped since middle school. ¬†Actually, I take that back. Mayfield definitely emasculated Davis Webb at some point during the¬†2013 Texas Tech season, but that was probably more of a locker room teabag session than an actual fight.

Both of these gunslingers are praised for their poise in the pocket, toughness, and ability to create plays with their legs.  Watson is definitely the superior athlete, but Mayfield can move, as well.

This fight goes the distance and I’m making a decision based purely on background. ¬†Watson has been a star all his life. Four-year high school starter, heir apparent behind Tahj Boyd, and surefire NFL draft pick. That’s not a bad thing, but Mayfield is more of a scratch-and-clawer. No scholarships coming out of high school. First ever true freshmen walk-on to start at a BCS school (Texas Tech). After soaking up¬†Kliff Kingsbury’s swag, he transfers to OU – without telling Bob Stoops – sits out a year, and takes the job from Trevor Knight.

I’d expect most¬†QBs¬†to be intimidated by Deshaun Watson¬†as¬†he is the better football player. But Mayfield¬†has¬†all the intangibles you want in a fighter. You can break this kid’s nose but he’ll break your jaw. Mayfield by Unanimous Decision.

baker-mayfield-whip

  • #2 McCaffrey over¬†#7 Cook

No way in hell¬†I could pick¬†against Ed McCaffrey’s kid here, right? ¬†Yes, I’ll admit that it pains me to pick against any born and bred Miamian when it comes to physical combat. ¬†You make the wrong turn down there and the city¬†becomes a fucking¬†war zone. Flesh-eating dopeheads and Kimbo¬†running around snorting blow and bashing skulls while¬†Billy Corben¬†documents¬†the carnage. It’s anarchy.¬†Anyone who makes it out of Miami has my respect¬†(I’m obviously talking about Dade County, not whatever gated community¬†all the gold chain-clad Jewish¬†guidos call home).

Anyway, Miami’s great but you know where Christian McCaffrey’s from? The front range of the Rocky Mountains, that’s where. Highlands Ranch, CO, stand up! Ever go for a hike in Denver? Thin air, rough terrain, medicinal buds and sunsets that leave you breathless. That shit will wear you out, man.

There’s two real reasons why I’m riding McCaffrey in this fake tournament, though. ¬†First, his dad happens to be the best Caucasian¬†wide receiver of all-time. That guy was an absolute stud.¬†If Ed McCaffrey is your father, you¬†won¬†genetics. Plus,¬†the McCaffreys are about five years away from becoming the¬†First Family of the NFL. They’re like the Intelligent Gronkowskis. One son is an NFL prospect at Duke, Christian is the second-born, then there are two more big-time college prospects in high school. The time to buy McCaffrey stock is now.

Secondly, besides the¬†Broncos, mountains, and sexy hippy chicks that could use a leg shaving, Colorado is home to¬†the USA Wrestling Headquarters. ¬†I don’t know much but I do know that McCaffrey is the only Heisman hopeful who has ever donned¬†a singlet. ¬†Probably looked damn good, too.

Prediction: Cook comes looking to land some bombs, but soon¬†learns that this is no 21-year old female he’s up against. McCaffrey easily dodges Cook’s haymakers, double-legs him and earns a submission via rear naked choke.

mccaffrey gif

– Round 2, Semifinals

  • #1 Henry over #5 Reynolds

derrick henry gif

Derrick Henry versus Keenan Reynolds. The giant workhorse from villainous Alabama Рservant of the tyrannous Nick Saban Рagainst the swift, skilled, valiant hero.

reynolds ref gif

Similar to his first round knockout of Fournette, I like Reynolds to work the outside using his acrobatics to avoid Henry’s grasp while peppering the big man with body shots. Unfortunately for our underdog, Henry is¬†a cyborg¬†and gets stronger as the fight goes on. ¬†Unless Reynolds can land one of these flying kicks

pettis super kick

he’s in big trouble. Eventually, Henry will grab hold of Reynolds. After some squirming and failed elbow locks, Derrick¬†goes full Mountain on the Viper, crushing the Midshipman’s skull with his bare hands.

Sorry, Keenan. You’re dead.

  • #2 McCaffrey over #6 Mayfield

mccaffrey pic   mayfield pic

White on white crime, ya’ll. Such a damn shame. Pretty soon President Donald – from the future – will have eradicated crime entirely, but for now we must weather the storm. Once those damn Mexicans, Muslims, blacks, Turks, Jews, Jenners, and gays are gone we can get back to the good old days of peaceful race relations and myCopy 98 bright¬†halfbacks.

Speaking of which, my man McCaffrey¬†enters the semifinals as the most unscathed competitor. Cook’s a tough dude, but Dalvin’s haymakers were no match for a totally imagined master wrestler.

On the other hand, Mayfield went the distance in an epic trading of blows with Deshaun Watson. Mayfield had the tougher chin, but he enters¬†Round 2 badly bruised. ¬†Physical conditioning is the difference in this bout. ¬†The baseball fans trade blows for a while, with Mayfield landing some good shots, but Baker’s previous injuries come back to haunt him. Cuts over his eyes lead to vision issues, and McCaffrey takes him to the ground looking for another submission. True to form, Mayfield never says “die” and refuses to tap. He’s put to sleep via guillotine choke. Lack of oxygen to the brain turns Baker into a vegetable, and in the¬†cruelest¬†long con since Lost,¬†Mayfield’s girlfriend pulls the plug. Pokes – 1, Sooners – 0.

Sorry, Baker. You’re dead.

– Round 3, Winner-Take-Heisman Final

  • #1 Derrick Henry vs #2 Christian McCaffrey

The moment we’ve all been waiting for.¬†The¬†matchup pitting the nation’s two greatest amateur football warriors against each other. ¬†The odds-on Heisman favorite is Henry, workhorse for college football’s premier program. Henry leads the country in rushing yards (1,986) and touchdowns (23). He’s the exact prototype that you’d build¬†in a¬†running back factory.

Then there’s McCaffrey. The renaissance¬†back from Stanford,¬†raised on NFL¬†sidelines. Probably bullied Jack Elway so hard in middle school. Henry leads the country in rushing yards, but McCaffrey’s not far behind. He leads the nation in total yards (3,496), breaking Barry Sanders’ aforementioned record while adding 13 touchdowns. TDs are the glaring difference¬†between these candidates¬†(Henry has 23), but that has a lot to do with Alabama’s ineptitude at quarterback. If Henry doesn’t score, neither does the Tide.

This match¬†will be decided by mental toughness, something both these backs have in spades. The deciding factor, IMO, is McCaffrey’s mental makeup. He’s giving up 40 pounds, so he’ll need¬†to withstand an¬†epic beating – or earn a¬†submission – to win the most prestigious award in sports. The question is, can he take the heat?

I mean, just look at this fucking kid:

christian mccaffrey

He’s so perfect that I have to believe there’s¬†a screw loose. He’s like Channing Tatum if Tatum wasn’t a college dropout from¬†West Virginia. At a certain point it’s impossible to perform at such a high level your entire life without being somewhat psychotic. The driving force for McCaffrey has always been the need to prove himself. The need to prove that he can live up to his family name, prove that he’s not undersized, and prove that white running backs can actually ball.

Unfortunately for white tailbacks¬†and racists everywhere, I think the Kid’s armor cracks against Henry. ¬†These two both deserve¬†the Heisman and¬†possess¬†a level of toughness unparalleled by the rest of the field, but Henry’s combination of size, strength, and athleticism is too much to overcome. They trade standing blows for two rounds but¬†McCaffrey can’t get Henry to the ground. In the third, Henry catches the Cardinal¬†with a right hook and goes Brock Lesnar hammerfist for the finisher. Henry by TKO.

lesnar hammerfist

Sorry, Christian. You’re dead.

 

PS – See ya next year, Christian.

undertaker Alive!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pete Rose Continues His Run As The Most Electric, Borderline-Racist Analyst In Sports Programming

rose pete

I wish I had this video because it was a fantastically awkward moment on the midnight edition of Fox Sports Live.

Scene: After the Royals 7-1 Game 2 World Series victory, the Fox postgame crew was discussing Johnny Cueto’s dominant complete game.

Kevin Burkhardt: “You love Johnny Cueto, the former Cincinnati Red, don’t you Pete?”

Pete Rose: “Oh yeah, I watched him for years, he’s a great guy, and we want him back.”

KB: “You love him like a stepson.”

Rose: “Not like a stepson, my stepson can speak¬†English.”

KB: emoji embarrassed

A-Rod: emoji eyes

Raul Ibanez: angry emoji

Frank Thomas: cry laugh emoji

For a second I thought Raul was going to storm off the set.  Seriously, be softer Raul.  What, you spent 18 years in major league clubhouses and never heard an immigrant joke? Welcome to Earth!

Big Hurt could hardly keep himself together.  The guy was bursting at the seems. Once Frank found some composure, it was pure silence. Five seconds of awkward, glorious silence until KB threw it back to the studio.

This is Pete Rose, folks.  In a single breath he offends one person to the point of physical disgust while leaving another man in stitches and the rest of the room speechless. He can turn a 3-minute spot into must-watch TV and then burn the same studio to the ground

The man has a gift¬†that can’t be taught. Pete Rose is au naturel.

Rose is so crazy you just have to give him a free pass at this point. If political correctness is its goal, a network would not feature Pete Rose. PC sensibilities are out the window in the current sports media battlefield. Fox Sports knew exactly what it would with Pete on air: half-drunk ramblings about concussion protocol turning players into self-absorbed pussies, gambling references, and tons of pretty preeetttttyyy racist remarks.

But,¬†again, he’s Pete Rose. What do you expect?

Homeless Bum in Florida Finds Dead Body, Uses the Skull as his Puppet at Publix, Leads Police to the Body

NY Post –¬†¬†Shoppers at a Publix in Sebastian, Florida, called 911 Tuesday afternoon after spotting a homeless man carrying around an actual human skull.

“He was using it as a puppet,” said witness Nick Pecoraro to WPBF.¬†“It smelled like death.”¬†

According to the Indian River County Sheriff‚Äôs Office, the unidentified homeless man‚Äďwho was living in the woods across the street¬†from the grocery¬†store‚Äď found the human remains in a secluded area away from the homeless “camps” and decided to carry it into the Publix to report the body.¬†

¬†“He had put the skull on top of a trash can over there because he wanted to tell somebody to call the sheriff’s office.”

Once deputies arrived, the homeless man led them to the body, which has not been identified.

Homeless guys got the easiest gig going, man. ¬†This roofless bastard sleeps in the plush, pine-laden woods of Sebastian, Florida, probably wakes up around 6am to steal donuts from his local Dunkin and grab a bath at the city pool. ¬†Heads to Publix to scare the shit out of¬†some¬†Orlando area home-owners and munch on free samples. Maybe hits a few shots of espresso at the Starbucks kiosk. ¬†These Florida bums are do it right. ¬†There’s a 70% chance this bum raped and murdered the owner of his human marionette skull a month ago and the Florida State Police are none the wiser because he’s covered in bum juice. Guy¬†will test positive for like the 8 other human¬†remnants¬†in his small intestine. Go ahead and hit him with a DNA swab, this maniac is 100% inconclusive.

I’m totally¬†jaded, though. The last year¬†has turned me big time anti-bum. A H8ER, if you will. ¬†I’m not saying it’s DeBlasio’s fault but ever since DeBlasio took office the NYC bums have gotten too big for their horribly ironed britches. First they swarmed 125th street, which was fine because it was already a hub for scum and I just started driving to work instead of public transit. ¬†But then the UWS was taken over. ¬†Tales of the street-urinator and the penis-exposer became daily occurrences. ¬†The Upper West Side residents revolted and now it seems that the vagrants¬†are emigrating¬†to the Upper East Side, specifically Carnegie Hill. All of the sudden, every fucking day – at least twice a day – I’m greeted by a¬†middle-aged, bearded,¬†dead-in-the-eyes ginger psychopath who never wears his shoes and always seems to have just pissed his pants. Worst of all, he wears black ankle socks. The guy looks like Danny Bonaduce¬†on a heroin bender wearing the latest garments from the Yeezy 2 release.

What I’m trying to say is that the homeless in Florida seem to live a much more comfortable and entertained life. ¬†It’s warm, there are tons of Publix so they¬†can fit in with the other malnourished drug addicts, and there are even unidentified¬†bodies to play with in the woods. If Florida’s too far, maybe we can at least shuttle them down to the LES.

Previously in “Good Times at Publix”: