Manchester United Manager Louis Van Gaal Wants Nothing But Horny Men On The Pitch

There shall be no wanking in Van Gaal’s locker room until after the match, men!

In all honesty, a coach wanting a horned up roster makes total sense. Anyone who has ever played sports post-puberty knows that the meanest competitor shows up on a loaded gun. Sex and aggression go hand in hand. Afterall, a man’s gotta have legs.

Van Gaal can play this off as a joke or claim that “horny” is simply a Dutch synonym for “desire” – technically, he’s not wrong – but, there’s a reason every man ever has fallen asleep bare-theighed after an embarrassingly short trip to the Dark Web. Would you rather have a pack of bucking broncos or eleven lazy, self-loathing blokes draped in crusty underwear? Van Gaal knows the correct answer to that question.

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