I’ve got a confession to make, folks: I am officially a tights guy. A man in tights. I’m talking spandex, yoga pants, Lululemon, Under Armour, long johns, the works. And I’m loving every minute of it!
Feels good to get that out there. Feels great to let ’em know. My uncle gave me a pair of Uniqlo long johns for Christmas and it’s been a wrap ever since. Sure, I thought it was an incredibly shitty gift at the time but as soon as that unseasonably warm December gave way to the frigid Siberian tundra that is January in NYC, I totally changed my tune. Ever live in a shitty walk-up apartment with no insulation and not wear long johns? Brutal. I can’t believe I ever subjected myself to such torture. Long johns, spandex, tights – you name it, I’m wearing ’em. The game done changed.
Now I’m taking this thing to a whole other level. I’m committed. If you’re not wearing tights under your shorts when you hit the gym, you’re a damn fool. You know what a man in tights demands? Respect. There’s a palpable fear in the eyes of every juicehead when my skinny ass struts across the floor. You don’t wanna see me on the StairMaster, kid. Swag on a trillie. And women? Sopping. Fellas hold their wives, mothers, and girlfriends a little tighter when I flaunt the Lulus. Rarely does a woman witness the type of confidence exuded by a man in tights. That’s a little thing called braggadocio.
In the end, that’s really what this is all about. Confidence. If I’m man enough to wear yoga pants in public, I can trick myself into believing that I’m man enough to do anything. I throw those bad boys on and feel like Connor McGregor in the octagon or Mike Miller on the hardwood. Just three killers, hanging out, wearing tights. Guys being dudes. Doesn’t hurt that tights make your skinny little noodle legs look good, too. Absolute godsend.
Women are so far ahead of the curve on this. Throw on a pair of tights and you look like a model. That’s a fact. Feeling bloated after a rough holiday season? A few days in tights will force a self-loathing starvation session you wouldn’t believe.
Tights 4ever. Fudge, out.