NY Post – Shoppers at a Publix in Sebastian, Florida, called 911 Tuesday afternoon after spotting a homeless man carrying around an actual human skull.
“He was using it as a puppet,” said witness Nick Pecoraro to WPBF. “It smelled like death.”
According to the Indian River County Sheriff’s Office, the unidentified homeless man–who was living in the woods across the street from the grocery store– found the human remains in a secluded area away from the homeless “camps” and decided to carry it into the Publix to report the body.
“He had put the skull on top of a trash can over there because he wanted to tell somebody to call the sheriff’s office.”
Once deputies arrived, the homeless man led them to the body, which has not been identified.
Homeless guys got the easiest gig going, man. This roofless bastard sleeps in the plush, pine-laden woods of Sebastian, Florida, probably wakes up around 6am to steal donuts from his local Dunkin and grab a bath at the city pool. Heads to Publix to scare the shit out of some Orlando area home-owners and munch on free samples. Maybe hits a few shots of espresso at the Starbucks kiosk. These Florida bums are do it right. There’s a 70% chance this bum raped and murdered the owner of his human marionette skull a month ago and the Florida State Police are none the wiser because he’s covered in bum juice. Guy will test positive for like the 8 other human remnants in his small intestine. Go ahead and hit him with a DNA swab, this maniac is 100% inconclusive.
I’m totally jaded, though. The last year has turned me big time anti-bum. A H8ER, if you will. I’m not saying it’s DeBlasio’s fault but ever since DeBlasio took office the NYC bums have gotten too big for their horribly ironed britches. First they swarmed 125th street, which was fine because it was already a hub for scum and I just started driving to work instead of public transit. But then the UWS was taken over. Tales of the street-urinator and the penis-exposer became daily occurrences. The Upper West Side residents revolted and now it seems that the vagrants are emigrating to the Upper East Side, specifically Carnegie Hill. All of the sudden, every fucking day – at least twice a day – I’m greeted by a middle-aged, bearded, dead-in-the-eyes ginger psychopath who never wears his shoes and always seems to have just pissed his pants. Worst of all, he wears black ankle socks. The guy looks like Danny Bonaduce on a heroin bender wearing the latest garments from the Yeezy 2 release.
What I’m trying to say is that the homeless in Florida seem to live a much more comfortable and entertained life. It’s warm, there are tons of Publix so they can fit in with the other malnourished drug addicts, and there are even unidentified bodies to play with in the woods. If Florida’s too far, maybe we can at least shuttle them down to the LES.
Previously in “Good Times at Publix”: