Science coming up huge again with some fairly obvious revelations: The really short guy in your crew gets laid less, fat people fuck the hardest, and the perfect-10 smokeshow at the bar is really just a cock-tease who won’t put out.
Per FiveThiryEight.com, very short men have smaller mean and median number of sex partners than any group of taller adult men interviewed. FiveThirtyEight deemed “short” to be 5’4 or under, which is really short. I would have set the “short” barometer at 5’6. 5’4 is nearing wee-man status. Under 5’4 and you’ll have a hard time convincing me that you are an actual human adult and not some freakish Ben Button man-baby. No one’s trying to have sex with that index finger, guy. Or, according to the data, at least no more than five people per lifetime. You better be hilarious, rich, or have an absolute HOG (probably 2 out of 3) to hold your own at under 5’4. Danny Devito and Tom Cruise most definitely boosted these statistics.
Perhaps the more important findings in this study, however, deal with weight. The study found that “underweight” women have less sex than every other group of women, while overweight and obese women have more sex than women of “normal weight.” This is all pretty much commonsense but still funny to see charted out. If used properly, this info could also be pretty damn helpful for some strategic young gentlemen out there.
Look, what I’m about to write is not opinion, it’s fact: The hottest chick at every beach, college party, bar, etc would qualify as “underweight.” I didn’t make those rules, that was society. Decades of body-shaming and sexually charged media has deemed that the girl with the tiny waist and perfect curves is most desirable. I like a little meat on the bone myself, but that’s another discussion for another time. The point is that the few women who achieve this peak level of barbie hotness are probably pretty shitty. Not all of them, but most. And the same goes for men. They’re not going to fuck the average, funny Joe Schmo at the bar, and they damn sure ain’t going home with any of you 5’4 midget trolls out there. People who value their cookie cutter appearance over everything else are going to look for the same thing in a sexual partner, and more often than not they’ll end up having boring conversation and lame sex because they’re too self-conscious to kick things up a notch and get creative in the bedroom. I’ll take a “normal weight” funny, hot chick with some cushion every day and twice on Sunday.
And last but not least, of course overweight/obese people fuck more than the toothpicks of the world. When you’ve got junk in the trunk it just shows that you love to overindulge. We’re here to get hammered and toss somebody around at the end of the night. Tell a few jokes, drink a hundred beers, probably enjoy a Sampler Platter, and then go home and have some sloppy awesome sex. People who are fat or have been fat are just funnier, too. It’s a necessity. Nobody’s got time for some hardo with an 8-pack who stares at his calves in gym. Their stories always suck.
PS – good for all the “Obese III” ladies out there. Impressive showing. No doubt a bunch of vultures hanging outside after-hours bars all across the Midwest. A tale as old as time.