Upset City In The Conclave


The odds makers couldn’t have been more off on this one.  Black Pope? Yeah right. Mafia-connected Milan Pope? No sir.  The 33-to-1 underdog Cardinal from Argentina took it home, baby! Talk about a Cinderella story. Jorge Mario Borgolio aka Pope Francis has me way more pumped up for March Madness then the Big East tourney ever could.  I love a good come from behind victory. Just an absolute stunner.

All the so-called experts on TV were talking about how such a short conclave meant that it was definitely going to one of the favorites (Angelo Scola of Italy, 2-1 favorite; Peter Turkson of Ghana; Christoph Schoenborn of Austria, 7-1). There were even two Americans who were thought to have a decent shot.  But then that white smoke came billowing out of the chimney and after the most tantalizing 70 minutes of pure boredom since April 19, 2005 out came our new Pope Francis. Like a boss.

I must admit, at first I was confused and disappointed. I was personally hoping for Black Pope or Mafia Pope.  That would have been pretty cool. Mixed bag of global emotions if Black Pope wields the staff.  And no one even knew who this Jorge guy was. But then I got to thinking about the secrecy. That’s why I’m so interested in this Vatican/Conclave/Papacy situation.  No one knows what the hell is going on in that place. I know there’s a lot of fucked up controversial trash aka rape that goes along with Catholicism (everybody’s got their vice, right?), but the whole behind the scenes world really intrigues me.  It’s like a less influential CIA.  But who knows, it could be the most powerful organization in the world. It was at one point. At the very least there are some wild secrets written down somewhere.  No one outside of the The Borgias, Tom Hanks, and Dan Brown have any intel.  I’ve taken the whole tour of St. Peter’s Basilica and all that jazz. You can just tell that there is some secret shit going on, and I want to explore.  I want to know the secrets.  I feel like Nick fucking Cage over here.

Bottom line: solid move by the Church and a nice upset stunner. Maybe there was no one candidate that really demanded the symbolic power that comes with wearing the Ring of The Fisherman.  Maybe there’s a Paul Ryan esque young gun Cardinal that they’re grooming for Popehood. No need to cause potential global upheaval with Black Pope (although that’d make for good entertainment).  No need to look like homers with Mafia Pope.  Give the insane amount of rapidly reproducing Hispanics their 15 minutes of fame with 78-year old Pope Francis and hopefully we’ll be doing this whole Conclave thing again in a few years.

See ya again in 3 to 10, ya’ll.  CAN”T WAIT.


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