Loan Ranger Bandit Running Wild


Huffington Post – A serial bank robber dubbed by the FBI as the “Loan Ranger Bandit” has emptied vaults across Mississipi, Arkansas and Texas. The perp doesn’t wear a mask, but does flaunt a Texas Rangers baseball cap. He’s known to pass notes to tellers demanding cash in 20s, 50s, and 100s, and he orders them not to include “funny money.” He also carries a handgun in his waistband. He’s robbed at least 10 banks across three states since 2011, according to News Channel 6. He has never harmed anyone during the heists, but he’s considered armed and dangerous by the FBI.

I was disappointed to find that the Loan Ranger Bandit only wears a Texas Rangers hat.  Kind of boring if you ask me.  Was hoping to read about some sicko running around in the classic Lone Ranger mask with a cowboy hat, screaming “Hi-yo Silver! Away!” at every bank teller he jacks.  Maybe even bringing along some drunk Native American as his getaway driver.  That would make for a helluva story, what with Disney’s Lone Ranger set to hit theaters in July.  Alas, we’re left with this dead-eyed, Steve Bartman looking homeboy.  There’s some real pain in those eyes. The social discontent really shines through the security footage.

One thing I’ll give the LRB is that he has some monster cajones. Couldn’t care less who sees his face while he commits federal crime.  Pretty much every day I daydream about robbing banks or convenience stores or Patrick Bateman-ing homeless people. I’ll admit that. The first things that always come to mind are cameras. I feel like there’s no escaping security cameras these days, almost like Minority Report where you’re caught instantly for even trying to jaywalk.  For you youngins out there, I’m talking Hunger Games type shit.  Other than my good looks, athletic prowess, and IQ score of 175 (give or take), that’s probably the only reason why I’m not a stone-cold criminal. But the Lone Ranger Bandit doesn’t give a shit about cameras.  He’s been robbing banks for 4 years now and flipping the FBI a symbolic bird every time.  This guy is the real deal, telling the Feds to sack up and bring out the manpower because the world can’t handle his steez.  He’s the smoothest of criminals.  Walks right in plainly dressed, simple handgun in his belt, and just slides the teller a note.  Not out to hurt anyone. No gun-pointing.  That dead stare does all the work, and it tells me he’s some sort of evil genius. The handwriting on that note must be impeccable, too. “ALL THE $20s, $50s, $100s OR DIE.”

I love this bandit, he’s already one of my all-time favorite bandits.  I just hope that he can keep this up for at least a decade and make a real saga out of the whole ordeal. Handful of dead bodies, a few hostages along the way. Then maybe we can get a movie about the real Loan Ranger. I’m thinking summer 2023.

Catch him if you can, America!


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