Manchester United Manager Louis Van Gaal Wants Nothing But Horny Men On The Pitch

There shall¬†be no wanking in Van Gaal’s locker room until after the match, men!

In all honesty, a coach wanting a horned up roster makes total sense. Anyone who has ever played sports post-puberty knows that the meanest competitor shows up on a loaded gun. Sex and aggression go hand in hand. Afterall, a¬†man’s gotta have legs.

Van Gaal can play this off as a joke or claim that “horny” is simply a Dutch synonym for “desire” – technically, he’s not wrong – but, there’s a reason every man ever has¬†fallen¬†asleep bare-theighed¬†after an embarrassingly short trip to the Dark Web. Would you rather have a pack of bucking broncos or eleven lazy, self-loathing blokes draped in crusty underwear? Van Gaal knows the correct answer to that question.

Kyrie Irving Hit Taj Gibson With The Shammgod

The Bulls took another one on the chin tonight in Cleveland. ‘Twas¬†an ugly display of basketball by Los Toros. ¬†Derrick Rose (28/7/2) played refreshingly well, but, besides that, this team is a mess. The bench mob performed well in the waning minutes, giving Bulls bettors a much-needed backdoor cover, but this game was far worse than the 106-95 score indicates. Bulls fans beware: it’s gonna be a tough stretch without Jimmy Butler.

About mid-way through the beating, Kyrie Irving found himself 1-on-1 with Taj Gibson and busted out the Shammgod crossover, pushing the ball in front of his body and drawing it back with the same hand. Looks like he might have even sprawled into a  spider dribble, too, springing free to drop a pretty floater off the glass. Long story short, Taj got put on skates.

The Shammgod is the third¬†most beautiful move in all of basketball, right behind a well-executed Up & Under (as a 6’4 Caucasian, I am contractually obligated to love post moves) and anything performed¬†by¬†Jason Chandler Williams.

It’s a damn shame there’s not more highlights of God himself. By¬†all accounts, he had the best handle to ever grace the hardwood. ¬†No wonder the Providence Friars are a team to watch this March;¬†Graduate Assistant Shammgod has been coaching up Kris Dunne & Co.

So Long, Captain Kirk

Let’s go to Chicago for a Bulls¬†fan’s POV. Jeff, your thoughts?

In all fairness, Hawks fans aren’t happy about losing that Maytag. Such a killer machine.

As KC Johnson tweeted above, this is a salary dump for the Bulls and a way to scoop another draft pick in what is¬†evidently now¬†a full-on¬†rebuilding year. Unfortunately for Hinrich, he’s the odd man out after coming back to the Bulls to presumably finish his career in Chicago. So, now, lets bid adieu to our sweet, sweet prince.

He had some “8th man in your corporate hoops league who somehow snuck¬†onto the team” moments like this

But he has also been one of the most consistent figures in Chicago sports since 2003.¬†He’s¬†a guy most fans forget is even in the league, an afterthought in every game since 2008. His scoring role has diminished with the rise of Derrick Rose and Jimmy Butler, but his plus/minus and assist contributions are always steady. Once in a blue moon The Captain will even rise up and drop a dub on your ass.

Hinrich earned Chicago’s respect through a decade-plus¬†of grinding. He’s limited athletically but still a solid¬†third point guard and great locker room presence for¬†any young contender. I loved Kirk at KU and loved him with the Bulls. He balled for¬†a very bad Bulls organization those first five years of his career. Teenage Tyson Chandler, Eddie Curry, Jalen Rose, Jamal Crawford – those were supposed to be our studs, but, instead, Kirk and a young Loul Deng picked up the slack when their uninspired teammates continually checked out (Ben Gordon was solid for a minute there, too, I guess).¬†Hinrich¬†led us through the dark post-Jordan days and became a wily veteran leader once¬†competitive basketball finally returned¬†to the city.

If Hinrich and the Bulls seem drawn together like magnets, it’s because they are. Kirk has been traded a few times and always found his way back because, evidently, he and Bulls management value each others partnership. Even so, chances are high that Kirk has played his last game for Los Toros. Sure, I could talk myself into the idea of a ridiculously cheap vet minimum player/assistant coach contract in which Kirk spends one last season rocking a tearaway suit and rec specs every game, but that’s likely a fantasy of mine and mine alone. Realistically, I would love to see Hinrich return as a scout or Ops director at some point down the line. Dude is a basketball lifer¬†and tough as nails. Kirk Hinrich can captain my squad any day.

PS РThat 2002-2003 Kansas team made me fall in love with college hoops. Hinrich, Nick Collison, Wayne Simien, Keith Langford, Aaron Miles.  Incredible college lineup.

PPS – Kirk also sports some of the best ink in The Association. Perfect “Harry Potter went to public school”¬†wrist tattoos. Don’t mess with that guy.

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Nothing To See Here, Just A Chunk Of Bone Cut Out Of Astros Reliever Pat Neshek’s Foot

Veteran relief pitcher Pat Neshek, currently with the Houston Astros, had¬†surgery to alleviate pain in his right foot this offseason. ¬†MLB.com’s Brian McTaggart reported that “it was a minor procedure… to repair a fracture.” ¬†This is not interesting¬†news, but when Neshek showed up¬†to spring training this week he revealed that there was¬†a pretty¬†sizable¬†piece¬†of bone removed from his foot, relative to the size of bones typically cut out of human bodies. ¬†We’re not talking about a small incision and bone-shaving procedure here. Neshek had a damn¬†meatball cut out of his body.

Plop that in a brothy bowl of diced onion, parsley, and parmesan cheese and you’ve got Italian Wedding soup for lunch. ¬†Now excuse me while I¬†find the nearest men’s room.

This Flying Dunk Squad Ripped The Backboard Off A Church Gym

Give it up one time for the Liberty U SOAR squad. I’ve never heard of these gravity-defying, basketball-slammin’ Christian acrobats but best believe I respect the hustle. Do you think these guys realize how ridiculous¬†it is that they’re flying off trampolines and shattering backboards in the Central Baptist Church gym in Portsmouth, Virginia? ¬†If this performance goes as planned,¬†no videos go viral and all we’re¬†really working with here¬†is a gym full of¬†Virginia’s fifty most boring Baptists and¬†a squad¬†of Christian circus freaks. If that doesn’t result in some self-reflection, I don’t know what will.

Jalen Rose Drops The Hammer On Derek Fisher

 

At this point it’s pretty much accepted¬†that Derek Fisher is a selfish scumbag when it comes to¬†navigating¬†the dating world. He stole ex-teammate/friend Matt Barnes woman, is rumored to have done the same to¬†two of his former players (Tim Hardaway Jr and Cleanthony Early), and, now, Jalen Rose is cracking jokes at his expense on national television. Clearly, Rose is making a “joke,” but he’s not the type to speak ill about other Association members¬†without good reason. ¬†There is clearly¬†a lot of truth to¬†these rumors and – I believe – it’s evident that players around the league¬†have lost a lot of respect for D-Fish. ¬†Jalen keeps it real; if he’s making an on-air joke like this, he’s¬†most definitely¬†relaying a sentiment held throughout the NBA.

The big question is will Fisher get another head coaching job¬†in the NBA? ¬†Paramount to¬†X’s and O’s, coaches need to command respect from their players. ¬†It’s impossible to lead twelve¬†millionaire egomaniacs void of¬†trust and accountability. ¬†On the most basic human level, men do not respect friends or associates who turn their loved ones into shaded intersections of a sexual Venn diagram. ¬†That’s the move of a backstabber. You wanna date my girl? ¬†Fine, go ahead, but you’re cut off. ¬†There’s no doubt if my mind the this fiasco¬†played a huge role in the way Fisher was viewed in the Knicks locker room, and, ultimately, in his firing. ¬†A GM would be a fool to let Derek Fisher lead another team in the near future.

Henceforth, Every Month’s Rent Check Shall Don A Dennis Rodman Stamp

I didn’t wake up today expecting to blog about stamps, but, thanks to The Worm, them’s the breaks.¬†Dennis Rodman is one-of-kind; a maniac’s king amongst cowardly men; Basketball’s David Bowie. It’s only fitting that he should have the most bitching stamp in the bland history of such an¬†archaic government institution. I need a roll of Rodman stamps like I need my purple Vans, Levi 511’s, red wine, and ribeye steaks. Really make sure my recipients know what I’m all about.

[Insert obligatory awesome Rodman highlights here]

 

PS – I highly doubt that I’ll actually be buying any Rodman stamps, but I damn sure need a 4×4 print of this bad boy. So, so sick.

PPS – Do people mail anything other than rent checks these days? Can’t remember the last time I used a stamp for anything else. ¬†Even my sweet, dementia-ridden grandmother can operate email and PayPal. Adapt or die, landlords.